Fight for what?

Sometimes I feel it is best not to look for answers,
sometimes it is best not to look for questions,
sometimes it is best not to understand anything,
sometimes it is best to ignore everything and move on.

But… is it?

I think very high of dreams and destiny but when I see it failing I move on to another. Am I bluffing myself in a higher belonging when there is none? Am I keeping myself in a big fat lie to make this life mean something? Well I don’t know much of it but, I know how to survive, how to quit and how to move on. I take on challenges that I know I can win; but, what is the point in taking up and feeling proud of winning when I knew at the beginning that I am going to win – what is the challenge I am left with in that case? Irrespective of how much I hate doing that, often given me no choice but to do that or maybe I always choose between the options instead of craving and being passionate for the one than choosing among the many.

“Known” which makes me so much comfortable to be around, gives me space to live in and lets me no doubts and lead a happy peaceful content life. It is unimaginable when known slowly or sometimes suddenly turns out to become unknown. I don’t know what to do, where to look for, what to ask, I become stranger to myself, things which I believed in so much are so meaningless now. I do not understand things and more like I can’t understand things. Everything so logical fails to fit the logic, fails to be understood, and fails to be known anymore.

I look for meaning, I search for meaning; and when I think I got the meaning, meaning becomes meaningless; the search for meaning becomes meaningless. It’s like each ending is the new beginning they say, what if I do not want so many beginnings or so many endings, what if I just want one good full happy story? I strive to get beyond my comfort zone, but when it starts to freak me out I fall back to the comfort zone? Is it what comfort zone is meant to be – to fall back? Or it only means I enjoy being in one so why bother get out of it at the first place?

Cycle of life, takes me through different parts of story, different parts of the same story, reliving different roles. Sometimes I get to be this and sometimes that, but basically putting me through all the roles to know what it means to be what.

Sometimes miracles happen, sometime life is wasted looking for a miracle, running out of memories, running out of thoughts, running out of wills. Wanting more, getting more and still wanting much more, life begins with expectation, fulfills with content, but wanting more will always keeping everything moving forward, wanting more and more. When want is no more wanted, there is a pitch black pause in life.

While I am in one part of the story, all feels good, all feels motivating, everything feels awesome, but same story from the other role sucks big time, each moment passing by is like a story on its own. In some parts of the story winning is everything, and in the other parts loosing is everything, and in some loosing is winning, and in some it doesn’t matter if I win or lose. Stories are often too confusing, and it gets worse when I realize I am reliving the same story but in a different dreadful role.

Every time I start to learn a lesson, life teaches me a different one. May be it is supposed to be that way, or maybe I give up early or maybe I am tired of looking for lessons to learn, when will it ever be over and I stop learning and start living? Somebody said change is inevitable, learn to deal with it – what good can an inevitable change be if I accept it? Life deserves the fight; life deserves to be stood for – for the things I believe in even if it only means losing everything.

OR… is it?

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• suhas manangi

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