Ramblings…

These are certainly not the ramblings of an insane mind, but I might lose my sanity any moment now. It is the 30th of June, 2012, no wait; I was just staring at my phone and it is already past 12 o’clock. The second half of the so called last year ever has begun just now. As I sit on my bed, unable to choose between sleeping and staying awake, I am in a welter of disparate thoughts that I do need to introspect, right now. Cherishing the days that have passed by and wondering about the days that are yet to come, there is a whole bunch of irregular and unrelated thoughts that would certainly keep me awake whole night.

The holidays just got over. Were they productive? I do think they were. It all began with days and nights of harmless, yet unproductive activities. But, surely they did not eat up my whole vacation. I did study the Data Structure Video Lectures that would be of use to me for my first job. Later came the New Zealand trip. Wow, what a place it was…!! The most scenic country I’ve ever visited. Hotels, scenic locations, travel, food, rides….all adding up to make a perfect fun filled holiday. Then began my “do it, anyways u r free” internship at ITC Limited, Bangalore. That too was good. Brand research and cost effective marketing; now that really grabs some attention. Last, but certainly not the least, it is the much awaited GRE.

Oh yeah, it was GRE. I took the exam, not “gave the exam” (I’ll know that much, c’mon, its GRE man, the exam has English and that too, classy). It was a smooth experience. The pattern was new. It had changed last year. Dad accompanied me to the exam centre. While he was following the stock movements in the morning, I was sweating, in spite of the AC in our car. The exam gave me the jitters, I don’t know why. But why should it bother me now? It is over. Although I had little time, I somehow managed to prepare and just be done with it. By the way, “little time” because the job joining date was made earlier by two full weeks. Can you imagine that???

Now, it is the time to talk something about the JOB. In a few hours from now, I have a flight to catch to the national capital. The next day, I need to report at the Samsung India Software Centre, Noida. That is the place I have been placed. OMG, what a sentence?? I am going to be a Software Developer. Let me first Google, what exactly do those two most widely used words mean. Thinking about the job, I do need to accept I am not meant for it. I am headed for the role I am least prepared for. 4 years of ordeal, I mean Engineering, and I have no clue of what I am going to do there….how I propose to survive there…c’mon people….understand…it is coding…never done it at a serious level. Well, leave aside the worry. First of all I am going to meet my friends.

Friends!! How beautiful is that word; its not just the word, some of them are really beautiful I really missed my friends this summer. It had been tough without you people by my side. I just want to meet you asap and get rid of the gifts I’ve bought for some near and dear ones from NZ. Every summer vacation after two long and boring semesters, it is the same experience, but one can find solace in the fact that he/she would come back the next semester to meet all those friends. Unfortunately this time, it is not the same. We have graduated. 2 full months have passed by. But it feels like I’ve just left the campus. Those wonderful jobless days post major and vellapanti during the final days round the clock, staying back till the very end, only to see every dear one leave you, either during the wee morning hours or the hot afternoon or in the night, all this flashed in front of eyes, this very moment. I know I am not going to meet several of friends again, but I do hope that everyone has the sense to keep in touch through convocation and regular re-unions.

Why is it that such moments of the past are flashing before me? I’ve heard that the entire life spins in front of the eyes of a moribund person, but I’m sure that I am not dying now. So why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di??? It is probably just a moment of reckoning. This is a strange thing with me. It keeps happening regularly. The moment my mind realises I’m free, instead of turning into a devil’s workshop, it starts lingering around the past and the future. It thinks about one week ago, two months later, 3 days before….where was I and what was I doing or where will I be and what will I be doing? Oh, one week ago.!! I do remember, last Saturday, around evening time, I was having Shanghai Rolls in some restaurant, but look at me now, exactly a week later, sitting at home, thinking deeply like an experienced old man.

OMG…!!! Out of nowhere, how could such a strange thing come to my mind? My dad operating me??? That is seriously something to worry about. It may as well be true some fine day. So, dad this is for you. I promise that I am going to stop eating nv foods completely, for the sake of a better health. Take it as my mid-year resolution. I know that I’ve made infinite such promises before and failed to follow, but this time, I’m serious. I don’t lie on the bed in the hospital in front of you. Just can’t imagine that scene. Partiality, especially wrt parents is not good. So, mom this one is for you. You never stop doing things for me. I may not have acknowledged them to their truest value, but Respect and Love always. __/\__

I knew this thing would sure come up before the thoughts end. What else could it be? CAT. Not the domestic one, but the wild one, the wild B-school exam. 25+ mocks, 200+ sectional tests, full attendance in classes, a preparation spanning almost 13 months across 3 semesters, day in and day out of dedicated study, every day study even during holidays in the evening without neglecting the internship for even a day,… all for nothing. But why me?? Never ever expected it to be such a debacle. That night, that one night which changed my life forever shall never be forgotten, no matter what. Days of despair and days of gloom. When the system is so unclear, one can never hold up oneself or that system completely to the blame. Really felt like there was nothing left for me. There is certainly no use pondering over such a thing that is already gone. But still, the question whether I was really that bad was constantly troubling me. I cannot answer that with clarity, but I am sure I won’t end up being one. One really good chat I had on FB with PAC, with regard to this context. Exploring avenues, analysing directions and understanding where and why, the things can go wrong were all part of that one night chat. That chat will be remembered and I’m not giving up, at any cost.

There are few hours left before I make a move out of my house and proceed for the job. Now that job had come up again, it was time for March 13 to occupy my mind. I was selected that day. That night was one perfect happy night for me. As we sat in the auto, returning from our treat, Kapoor and Dhawal were right before me. Sharing my happiness with them, I mentioned to them, how difficult it was to survive the whole day; that I did not tell my parents in the morning that Samsung was coming that day for recruitment because, every time, not once, I ended up calling them in the morning saying that some firm is coming and again in the evening, that I was not selected; that this time I would tell them only if I were selected; that I was just waiting for my turn to be on the party sponsor side rather than the other side, where I had been many times before; that I had been waiting for that particular moment of joy for months. They were very happy to listen to what I was saying as we were on our way to the hostel that night. It is really good to have such pleasure filled moments revisit the mind, now and then.

With hardly any time left, I do wish to conclude now or else I’ll miss the flight. It had been a tumultuous journey over the past few months, comprising of some life threatening shocks to wild unexpected surprises and full of ups and downs. Let me see, where the path of my life leading to. There are certain things that I learned this summer. Health has to be priority, anytime. Temper and anger must be in control. Respect and reverence must be shown. Be thankful. I can recollect all the holidays and how it has been. Indeed it has been good as I’ve realised some good things. Spent some really awesome moments with family and had some really good chats with friends, be it my classmates or my juniors.

4 years back, I came as a normal guy, similarly with so many thoughts crossing my mind aimlessly. These years passed by very fast. I’ve earned invaluable friends, memories, grades, life, experiences, and teachings and met some awesome people.

With the heart, probably of an anxious guy and a big time pessimist, but expectations and hopes sky rocketing to new heights, I’m embarking on a new journey, a journey where I’m setting forth my foot for the first time in a professional environment, as I gear up for the job and wait to find out what is in store for me.

As my thoughts are having a million ramifications and showing no signs of an end in any of their directions, it would be better if I stop now and get some rest before the big day ahead. Bye.

Tags: CAT, college, education, friends, gre exam, holidays, IIT, job, Life, professional, sad