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I was finally into the mode. All geared up for the things I have wanted from life as they came knocking at my door one by one. Some things desired were delayed, some were denied. But as they say, it is all a part of life. The beaming sunshine did no longer hurt in the eye. There was beauty and pleasure in the very pain it gave… illuminating pain. Layers of craving superficial veils had been drawn upon the wounds of my heart such that now I was ready to take life head on.
I had been heartbroken once as a young girl of fourteen. First love and its pain never die but I had managed to live with it. But it resurfaced like it was new everytime with even the slightest stimulus… but who cared? It had been six years now. It did not matter now… it should not… it must not! Being rejected once and living with the pain of it i never expected love to knock at the doors of my heart again. Then I also believed love was gentle so it could seep through creaks and enter through the window. So, I bolted every opening and curtained every door and window. But later I realized it was strong and powerful, almost violent like a thunderous storm so it broke every lock I did put and entered. After the storm the sea had been calm and peaceful and Ihad been happy with the new tides that now cradled my life.
Unlike grief, happiness does not stay for long. I was humiliated and harassed. It tore apart my world. I put other safety measures stronger than ever before but to no avail. After some days the fever struck me down again. It was wild this time… very passionate. It looked like it will stay and scorch me like a hot June afternoon but it was never meant to be so. The heat got unbearable and with another heartburn now I seek solace in something soothing, calm and cool.
I decided enough was enough and now there is no scope for love. But I looked for it yet again. It was like the only light calling me on a dark clouded night and I had to get to it. This was a guiding light… illuminating, enlightening and warm. It soothed and filled me with joy. He was a poet and I lost myself completely in his words and world. Everything seemed beautiful now with the luminescence that was so much a part of him and that had entered into me so gently.
I thought this is the kind of man I wanted. And exactly this kind of love but I was never meant to be so lucky. He already loved someone… more beautiful and much closer to him. I admire him and respect him still but wrong things happen to me at the wrong time. yet again I am alone, bolted and in my shell. Now I have made a shell of stone around me. I won’t get hurt this time… at least not alone! Remember he will be hurt who hurts the stone.